Gratitude

Blessings that that have arisen out of the adversity of having permanent pain and immobility:

I am home for my children all of the time. This means time to be there to listen to what's going on. It means helping my children stay on track with schoolwork. Also making sure that they can to a good school, college and most importantly, be happy in life. Grow up to be good people.

I have the luxury of being able to cook or bake new recipes and experiment. Before cooking was almost a chore thrown in at the end of the day. Now I can cook and bake and plan meals to enjoy with my family. I also know they eat very healthy meals made from scratch with love.

Also the family tradition of dinner together is a blessing. I learn more about my children at dinner just by being quiet and listening.

The blessing of being able to truly embrace my program of AA again. Thoroughly. With a home group, a sponsor and plans to thoroughly work the steps. Not to mention the wonderful fellowship of friends.

Focusing on my health. Having a physical and knowing what ways I can make my physical health better.

Being grateful and happy for what I have in life, and not feeling unhappy about the things I do not have.

Living simply. Knowing that my humble abode is a warm and welcoming home with a lot of love. Living with the basics and being so very grateful for that knowing how many people do not even have that.

Enjoying time with my animals and the closeness I have with them.

Volunteer work with animal rescue.

Having a beautiful relationship with my mother. Somehow through the grace of God we became very close during my last neck vertebrae fusion, even from a distance. We speak the same language of AA and program of honesty.And most of all I really, really love my Mom.

Knowing that being deemed disabled is not necessarily so bad. I can receive Social Security and have income while treating my back well.  As a result of all of this, I am able to realistically take care of my mother. I can be there around the clock for her, and I can fulfill her wish of not going into a nursing home. She can stay in her own home, and be with her beloved dog Maggi.

Helping others. Doing for others because it feels good to do so. I am a big believer in the Pay It Forward philosophy, and it works.

Most of all, passing all of these things onto my children. Teaching them that when they are asked what they want to be in life, doesn't mean a job.  It means what type of person do you want to be.

Grateful for my entire life.  The good and the bad in this world happen beyond reasons that I cannot fathom, but will know when it is supposed to be revealed.

Bathing Shibas - Like Nailing Jello to a Tree

I was perusing a pet catalog yesterday and was looking through all of the different kinds of pet products and came across shampoos. Then I glanced over at Kitsu & Suki.  Yep, they were both due for that four-letter word: BATH.  My husband was working on the computer and I mentioned, "Honey, I think the Shibas need a bath." Jim agreed, and was very impressed that I would dive into such a brave undertaking on my own.  Now of course I had to set up the bath area, get towels ready, get their specially medicated oatmeal, vanilla and white tea scented shampoo ready (which costs more than my own shampoo) and do all of this without Kitsu or Suki being aware of this preparation.  One mere hint of bath time will send them scrambling under a bed or anywhere else they can hide undetected.  So the question was, which one do I bathe first?  Kitsu is 4 years old and he is used to the routine, isn't thrilled, resists as much as possible, but knows there is a treat at the end of the process.  Suki however is only two, thinks the world is ending and lets out the infamous "Shiba Scream".  The Shiba scream for those who have never heard of it is an ear-piercing shriek that will literally have your neighbors think something has gone horribly awry in your home and may elicit the response of law enforcement officials.  Mind you, no harm is being done, I am talking about a bath here. It was decided, Suki would get her bath first.  Now Suki is small, weighs about 17 lbs and is the sweetest little girl on the planet.  She has an adorable disposition, can get a little skittish at times, but she is basically one happy little Shiba princess. 

So Jim went outside and brushed Suki's fur before her bath as she has been shedding, and he brought Kitsu along with him too.  Suki wasn't blowing coat as Shibas do, there were just a lot of these tumbleweeds of fur flying all around.  Of course Kitsu was chasing them, trying to catch them which was hysterical. Shibas have a very high prey drive if you did not know, and butterflies, leaves, you name it... if it moves, game on!  So after both Suki and Kitsu were brushed down, Jim brought them back inside.  

Inside was Mommy, waiting with fluffy towels, a gentle voice and a soft touch.  It is like walking on eggshells starting this process, so everything has to be very carefully carried out.  I brought Suki into the bathroom and set the water to a comfortable temperature and set the shower sprayer on low with no water in the tub.  "Good girl, you are so good and you will get a cookie when we are done", I said softly, knowing that she knew the word "cookie".  The minute I sprayed just the smallest amount of water on her feet just to get her used to things, she SHRIEKED, scrambled and did everything possible to get out of that tub.  I keep a collar on the Shibas when it is bath time as there needs to be a place for me to hang onto, otherwise they are up and out of that tub and could also slip and hurt themselves. Well I was quite obviously in over my head and I felt like I had about as much control over the situation as someone riding a bull at a rodeo.  I yelled, "Jim get in here bring a large plastic cup!" as I thought the tub sprayer may have been scaring her. Jim then held her by the collar and I wet her down and soaped her up.  I figured we are already at this point and I am going to do this right.  After she was all shampooed and rinsed, I picked her up with a towel and cuddled her so close.  I kept saying, "That's a good girl" and made sure she got her cookies immediately after the bath in hopes that this will help in the future.  She was wagging her tail as we were toweling her off and she seemed happy.  Then of course, she did a big ole Shiba shake and I smelled like a wet dog.  Did I mention I was already drenched at this point?  

As soon as Suki was free to go from this harrowing ordeal, a very dry Kitsu had this look on his face as if to say, "Noooo way, nice try, not happening" but Jim scooped him up and brought him to the tub. Kitsu really is adorable, he is four years old and can sometimes be a little grumpy.  Not aggressive grumpy, just grumpy in a funny kind of way and especially when it involves baths.  Here is a Shiba who avoids puddles at all costs, he walks around them.  The thought of getting soaked down on purpose seems ridiculous to him.  He was not thrilled, but he went along with it and didn't struggle too much.  He was actually the best he has been, plus I made sure he knew Suki had just gotten two cookies for her bath.  He begrudgingly put up with the bath, got toweled off, and of course shook water off all over the place afterwards.  I was unfazed at this point however, letting the water hit me as I was already clearly defeated in any attempt to stay dry.  Kitsu got his cookies and went on his merry little way.  Then Kitsu and Suki decided to play chase all over the house, and went tearing through the place doing Shiba 500 labs over and over.  They had both been out earlier and had plenty of exercise, but they were both full of vinegar after their baths.

Jim and I were both exhausted and soaked.  You might ask, "Why not just go to a groomer? This seems like so much work."  Shibas in general have very little grooming needs, don't require their fur to be cut and do not require frequent bathing.  The sole reason to bring them to a groomer would be for a bath. Well, you know how panicked Suki gets with her own Mom and Dad whom she trusts?  I'm convinced she would absolutely blow up or something if I just handed her off to a stranger, she psychologically couldn't handle it.  Kitsu on the other hand as I mentioned can be grumpy about bath time with me, but I think he would truly freak out too if he ever went to a groomer.  I have basically accepted the fact a long time ago that the Shibas need us to bathe them.  So of course I showered after this whole physically and mentally draining ordeal and got myself clean and dried off.

Lastly, comes the the Shiba cuteness attack.  I woke up this morning to the cuddliest softest fluffiest Shibas in the whole wide world.  We let them sleep in our bed (they let us sleep in the bed?) and they are adorable beyond words.  I mean they are so cute I think my head is gonna explode.  And sweet, and affectionate, and cuddly ... and have me eating out of their paws....

The Great Equalizer

By now I think everyone has realized that the economy has spared no one, everyone is affected and it looks like economically, things are going to get worse before they get better. It can be a time for anger, it can be a time for blame. It can be a time for self-pity. Anger is self-defeating. It is like taking poison, only hoping the other person will die. Justified anger is even more dangerous, that one is certain to kill you. Self-pity in its essence is total absorption. We can get so caught up in me-me-me to the point that we lose touch with everyone else. Again, it may be certainly justified, but instead we need to pull out of our self-absorption and start diving into thinking of others and doing for others or we will surely go under ourselves.


Adversity can be a tremendous time of opportunity. Sometimes the life you know has to get pulled out from underneath you, and only then, does this downturn make you discover what it really is you want out of life and more importantly, what your priorities are. I do not believe in coincidences at all, I think everything absolutely happens for a reason.


I learned many years ago about the virtues of "getting outside of my own head". Basically the theory is to stop worrying about what's going on with me, and think about what is going on with others. I mean it's kind of hard to worry about your own life when you're completely focused on something or someone else. So much of this philosophy leads into living a good life. Doing for others. Now one may question, how can I do for others when I can hardly afford to do for myself? There are many ways. Do you know someone in need? Someone who is a shut in or disabled? Dying of cancer? Lonely? How about the homeless? How about children with life threatening illnesses? How about animals, the most loyal creatures on this earth, who just need a safe place to sleep? The key is to start somewhere and make one small difference. There is a timeless story that has circulated among teachers of school-age children and has often made the rounds in animal rescue, called "The Starfish Story".

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.


Peace...

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True Story - Forgiveness and the Power of Letting Go

A friend of mine sent this to me today, and I just had to share it.  It is a true story.  The video below is something that I highly recommend taking the time to watch.  The story below the video is verbatim of what my friend sent to me, and it sends a very powerful message.

Annie lost her battle with cancer on Nov. 14th, 2009. I was her sponsor, however she taught me the greatest lesson. That is the spirit to forgive.

When Annie was 14 years old, her parents were killed by a drunk driver. The loss of her parents and the resentment she carried took her down many roads, that we all know. Annie was raised by her Grandparents, and she rebelled.

By the time Annie was 19 she had a story of the street, and all that goes with it. She was hitchhiking through Northern Ontario and some trucker picked her up. When she got in that rig, the driver asked her where she was going. Annie said, "I don't know." She never knew how much truth was in that statement. Because that trucker was me~!

I had a speaker tape on, not loud, just background noise. And Annie started telling me her story. It was one of heartache, despair and anger. I just listened, as she told me about her parents getting killed and how she let her life get ruined because of it.

I asked her, if she would like a better life, one where she could help people, just like her. I told her about my life and where it took me and that she can have what I and many people have. That night we went for dinner and then took in a meeting, in Thunder Bay, Ontario. 

She had her last drink, at dinner that night.  Annie rode with me for over four months. We drove all over the country and went to meetings. There was never anything sexual, for she had the top bunk and I had mine on the bottom. She asked me one night, why I never tried anything with her. I told her, that it would kill me if, I lost her friendship and if anything I done caused her to give up her new way of life. It is sad, but Annie told me, that this was the first time anybody cared for her, just as a person.

When Annie was two years sober, she went hunting. She found the person that killed her parents. She used to follow him, and some of us were worried she was going to do something. Well Annie done something alright. She would follow him to the bar, and at closing she would go in and get him. She would give him a ride home. And in the morning she would pick him up and take him to his car. Whenever she was driving him home, in his 'state', he would tell her about the people he killed. Annie would just listen.  This taxi thing went on for about six months. Then one night Annie asked him if he would like to go for coffee, the next night. She told him, she would pick him up, and asked if he would not drink that day. He said yes.

Annie picked him up and she took him for coffee, and it was then that Annie told him who she was. And that it was her parents, that he had killed. She told him her "story" and asked if he would like a new life. She said he could have a life where he could help people just like him.

They went to a meeting that night and Rob has never had a drink since. They have spoken together at many A.A. functions. And The Message of Forgiveness was felt in everyone's heart many times.

Sadly on November 14th, 2009, we lost Annie to cancer. Rob was there for the last three weeks of Annie's fight, and he was holding her hand when she passed away. Rob spoke at Annie's memorial, and he spoke on her forgiveness and how she lived this program with gratitude and humility. He talked about how Annie gave him his greatest gift. And that was the gift of "forgiveness."

I miss Annie and think about her a lot. I think about her most, when I am upset with some person, or something. I think about the "spirit to forgive!" Annie, Rest in Peace and may GOD Bless Your Soul, the way you have Blessed so many of us.

The Bill Kistner Cancer Fund

As many of you know, our friend Bill Kistner has terminal cancer. I spoke to his wife Wendy yesterday, and I asked how Bill was doing. She said that the cancer is spreading and Bill is not doing so well. He recently had some tests done, and the Oncologist’s report showed that he has more tumors developing in his lungs and that he has also developed a tumor on his liver. She mentioned that Bill simply wants to do two things while he is able, and before he gets too ill. Bill really would like to go to the AA Founders weekend in Akron, OH in June. He would also like to go to Niagra Falls. In order for him to do this, he would need to rent an RV as he cannot travel well due to the colorectal cancer. Traveling this way, he can also use the bathroom and shower without concern. He also gets tired and needs naps, and can have his dietary needs met with less disruption. Seeing Bill fight cancer is an inspiration to us all. We all have the ability to make his final wish come true. Terminal cancer is hard enough on Bill and his family, not to mention the burden of financial worries. The fact that one of his final wishes is to attend the AA Founders weekend speaks volumes about Bill’s character and integrity, as well as his priorities in life. Please donate whatever you can to The Bill Kistner Cancer Fund so that we can make his wish come true as well as help his family during this difficult time. Bless all of you that donate, no amount is too small, and collectively we can all make a difference. The greater the donation you can make will of course help us get closer to making Bill’s wish come true. Again Bless you all, you really can make a difference.

Finally Answers, but more Back Surgery

I am writing out this blog just so I can keep a journal of times and dates about all of my recent back surgeries.  Probably boring to most, but more of a reminder to myself about what is happening and when.  Time passes and details become so fuzzy.  I am going to come back to this with my other surgery dates, but for now I am filling in the present while it is fresh in my mind.

I have had three back surgeries so far at Massachusetts General Hospital due to degenerative disc disease, osteoarthritis along with a whole list of other conditions.  The first one was a discectomy of the lumbar spine at discs L4/L5 at a fairly young age of 32.  Then a redo of L4/L5 as the pain came back.  My doctor couldn't understand it, said I was like "The Princess and the Pea" he said, as it was so hard to find on any images.  Once he went in, it was more like the Princess and the lima bean a large but very hidden piece of disc was sitting on a nerve.  Then after an auto accident that jarred my already degenerating spine, I had to have a spinal fusion of the L4/L5 discs and bone taken from my pelvis grafted onto my fusion site.    
I have been having upper back pain, as in "Help there is a knife in my back" kind of pain.  I met with my doctor today, and we went over the MRIs I had last week. The cervical spine C5/C6 has a spur and a bulge, and C6/C7 is bulging very badly. He wanted to have me have a nerve block to determine if that indeed was where all of this pain was coming from, the MRI showed the real picture, which is so much that the xrays couldn't capture of course. So I ended up having this procedure that I hadn't planned on today, it was not fun. Like a facet block only more uncomfortable. Using flouroscopy, 3 docs performed this procedure passing a very large needle for the short-acting anesthetic, and corticosteroid for longer relief. I swear this was so much more intense than the lumbar facet blocks? I'm working on one hour's sleep and its a much smaller space for that big needle to go. I think not anticipating this procedure happening today may have thrown me off too. I felt light-headed, woozy and almost fainted, I think it was lack of sleep from endless stabbing pain. Anyhow my doctor is notoriously conservative, holding out surgery always as a very last option. After he saw my Cervical Spine MRI though, he went into straight talk about confirming the MRI results, then planning the next move. Looking right now like he is going to have to fuse C5, C6, and C7 and remove the bone spur. I'm the first to admit that I thought cervical spine stuff was easier to deal with than lumber and other areas of the spine. The recovery period after surgery is much shorter than other spine surgery, but this hurts like a knife in my upper back and now left arm. I can't even turn my neck to the left, which is hard as pulling onto a highway requires you to look back to your left and I can't do it. So right now I'm out of commission for a few days, can't drive and Sean's birthday party is Sunday. Okay, Vicodin kicking in, glad I got all of that in while semi-coherent. Need a bone graft from my hip I am guessing to have bone to fuse this with.  It's that or cadaver bone or synthetic bone.  Cadaver bone honestly creeps me out to no end.  As it comes in second place to having your own bone grafted from your hip, I think I will stay with my own bone and bite the bullet on the bone graft.  Synthetic just doesn't succeed enough, and to go through an extensive surgery like this, I want to have the best "materials" possible.  

Anyhow very happy I have answers as well as the nerve block to confirm that yes, that's exactly where it hurts. Very wiped out, in pain, and down for the count for the next few days.  I can't drive, have to keep a pain log. I have an entirely different issue I am going to see a physician at on Monday at Mass General, as if this isn't enough.  Not complaining, just stating the facts.  Okay, I would say that the Vicodin is kicking in, not a lot to kill this pain but enough to make be kind of loopy.  I will enter more information later, right now I need to crash ...